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I hope to update this often. I need someplace and some way to vent. Not that I'm an angry person, but I get upset sometimes.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


I sometimes feel like I'm weighted down by fears. Not all of them are my own, but because I have to be empathetic I have to understand and oblige them. I have to, even if I know that they are baseless. I have to, even if they are holding me back from projecting myself.

And now, these feels have left a stain on my life. They are the little whispers that tell me I can't when my body and mind say I can. I'm misdirecting my will towards cutting these fears down when I could be using it towards something more progressive.

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Monday, November 17, 2008

Tune up

I don't like feeling this way. There's a dischord. Between my mind, my body and the harmony around it, its not synchronized. I feel jumbled, like a rubiks cube before you set it right. 

I can't sometimes figure how I why I am this way. It just seems to happen, and when it does, it blows. I try amazingly hard to keep everything together and I don't let outside vibes effect me negatively. But, it does happen. 

Now, to fix it

Monday, November 10, 2008

Calm down

Sometime, I find that the best way to ease my mind is to work. It gives me direction and something to focus on. A job no matter how small has steps that you have to take to do it correctly, and if you concentrate enough on them, you won't have enough time to think.

But, then I get time when I have to push everything and everyone away. I need space, I can't be around the same thing that was making me go crazy or was related to it. I need to go and walk aimlessly. Towards something, and away from that and them. There is so much pressure, I could choke!

But, I need them. Sometimes a refocus is necessary. See what you can do in the face of what you can't. You can't get to the top of the mountain without making the first step towards it. And every step you take brings you closer. That much more to what you thought you couldn't.
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Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Tiring out.

I was asked by one of my close friends how I'm doing. After about two seconds od consideration, I told him that I think I'm suffering through a bit of depression.

Physically, I know it shows. My eyes are sunken and swollen. I know I have been hanging my head too, someone told me that and just thought I was sick. I walk a little slower. I mean things less, and say less. I feel like I'm unraveling.

I've built myself up to a standard and it can't be maintained. Its in how I dress. Its in how I act to different people. Its in my reactions. Its in everything.

Now, I think I'm losing my grip. I can't sleep, and I can't do much beside sleep
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Thursday, October 30, 2008

All you gotta do is...

All I have to do is survive the rest of my life. Once I can build into a good tedium, that's it. Waste it away at work a few hours with the family. Kiss kiss hugs and goodnight.

I will probably come to a point that I am sleep walking and still being productive. Yea.

Its so disgustingly easy!
Any fucking idiot could do it!

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Monday, October 27, 2008

Attraction - dismantled

I've found that I'm not interested in a person in a totally shallow sense. I've been told that my taste in women vary to an alarming degree. Not that I would want the coke skinny crack whore with missing teeth, but sometimes while her mouth is closed I can see why a guy would want her.

I followed a woman with my eyes at a distance. Since walking onto the platform, I knew her gait. I knew she was in a hurry to meet someone. She kept checking her phone even though there is no reception. She's dressed decently, has a little style and seemed like she would be a playful person. -- all in one minute!!!

I don't know where my mind is going, I will keep track and tally the death toll.
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Sunday, October 26, 2008

What the hell happened to the weekend?!

I feel like I went to sleep friday night woke up in the middle of sunday. Blinked and I have to go to sleep before work. I want another day put into the weekend. Its seriously not long enough anymore.

And I'm running along with a headache again.
I'm don't with the week already.
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Friday, October 24, 2008


Friday is over. Time to go home, hang it up and sleep for 48 hours. I don't know what I expect to do over the weekend, but I just hope I rest a little. I hope I can realign my sleep pattern. I can't do this stay awake til 3am mess anymore. 

Driving shoe

I saw this shoe just before I hurt myself and watched Max Payne last week
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jugglin life

I feel like sometimes I'm a new juggler in a circus. I just learned how to
juggle one plate on a stick. I try to do two and I get the hang of it. I
stretch out and grab a third and the balancing act continues.

But, somehow I lose rhythm and they start to wobble. Sometimes its all the
plates sometimes its just one. I don't want to drop the plates, I have to
keep performing. I know as long as one plate is still spinning the show
continues. One can fall, but I can grab another to replace it.

Just as long as I have one.
Just as long as I have this one.

I can keep the show going if I just keep one of them.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Two seven inch fists

I found something I wrote on my iPod back I'm February.

Two seven inch fists

After a long morning of work, your stomach starts to growl. Look up at
the clock and you notice that its noon. Time to take lunch!

For me, I wait another hour, til one before I go get something to eat.
For two simple reasons. First, the crowds waiting in the shops have
dwindled and secondly because it leaves for a shorter day when I get
back. The third, unspoken reason is that tahira normally takes her
lunch around then. I get to talk to her for a few minutes before I go
back to work.

Now, onto my lunch

I went to Boloco, a burrito place across the street from my building.
The people there have seen me so often for breakfast and often times
lunch that they know how I order my drink. A rasberry smoothie with no

I walk in and I am caught in the tail end of the lunch suits. So, I
end up waiting longer than normal. No big deal. Its not cold outside,
its smells good inside and by the time I thought of waiting I am
through the line.

So, I have chosen my methods of madness. An original with beef and
guacamole and a buffalo with chicken. And, the smoothie.

Only good things happened from then on. I found my favorite seat in
the lunch room, I was full from eating. I have gum to clear my breath
from all the onions I ate and the sun was out while I ate.

I suggest doing if again, one a day even.

Sent from a comfortable place on my iPod.


Seeing if I can actually do it via email.

new to it

I know blogging isnt something new, but I've never found a way of getting into it. Now, with the correct tech devices connected to my hip, I can instantly connect and show how my life really deviates. At least it will let me look back and point out how things really messed up.