Fears

I sometimes feel like I'm weighted down by fears. Not all of them are my own, but because I have to be empathetic I have to understand and oblige them. I have to, even if I know that they are baseless. I have to, even if they are holding me back from projecting myself.

And now, these feels have left a stain on my life. They are the little whispers that tell me I can't when my body and mind say I can. I'm misdirecting my will towards cutting these fears down when I could be using it towards something more progressive.

Eh!
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Tune up

I don't like feeling this way. There's a dischord. Between my mind, my body and the harmony around it, its not synchronized. I feel jumbled, like a rubiks cube before you set it right. 

I can't sometimes figure how I why I am this way. It just seems to happen, and when it does, it blows. I try amazingly hard to keep everything together and I don't let outside vibes effect me negatively. But, it does happen. 

Now, to fix it

Calm down

Sometime, I find that the best way to ease my mind is to work. It gives me direction and something to focus on. A job no matter how small has steps that you have to take to do it correctly, and if you concentrate enough on them, you won't have enough time to think.

But, then I get time when I have to push everything and everyone away. I need space, I can't be around the same thing that was making me go crazy or was related to it. I need to go and walk aimlessly. Towards something, and away from that and them. There is so much pressure, I could choke!

But, I need them. Sometimes a refocus is necessary. See what you can do in the face of what you can't. You can't get to the top of the mountain without making the first step towards it. And every step you take brings you closer. That much more to what you thought you couldn't.
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Tiring out.

I was asked by one of my close friends how I'm doing. After about two seconds od consideration, I told him that I think I'm suffering through a bit of depression.

Physically, I know it shows. My eyes are sunken and swollen. I know I have been hanging my head too, someone told me that and just thought I was sick. I walk a little slower. I mean things less, and say less. I feel like I'm unraveling.

I've built myself up to a standard and it can't be maintained. Its in how I dress. Its in how I act to different people. Its in my reactions. Its in everything.

Now, I think I'm losing my grip. I can't sleep, and I can't do much beside sleep
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All you gotta do is...

All I have to do is survive the rest of my life. Once I can build into a good tedium, that's it. Waste it away at work a few hours with the family. Kiss kiss hugs and goodnight.

I will probably come to a point that I am sleep walking and still being productive. Yea.

Its so disgustingly easy!
Any fucking idiot could do it!

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Attraction - dismantled

I've found that I'm not interested in a person in a totally shallow sense. I've been told that my taste in women vary to an alarming degree. Not that I would want the coke skinny crack whore with missing teeth, but sometimes while her mouth is closed I can see why a guy would want her.

I followed a woman with my eyes at a distance. Since walking onto the platform, I knew her gait. I knew she was in a hurry to meet someone. She kept checking her phone even though there is no reception. She's dressed decently, has a little style and seemed like she would be a playful person. -- all in one minute!!!

I don't know where my mind is going, I will keep track and tally the death toll.
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What the hell happened to the weekend?!

I feel like I went to sleep friday night woke up in the middle of sunday. Blinked and I have to go to sleep before work. I want another day put into the weekend. Its seriously not long enough anymore.

And I'm running along with a headache again.
Eh!!
I'm don't with the week already.
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