And this too will pass...

     In the moment when I have such a profound feeling of loss for a person who left life too early, i think about all they mean to me. I try to shift the feeling of grief of death and the deep emptiness to something else with the memories i have. The good, and bad moments. The ones that make me smile so much my cheeks hurt.

QOTD

So, the question of the day is: What small and possibly unspoken thing are you most proud of? Are you proud of being where you are, even through there have been complications? Are you proud of who you are, in consideration of who you COULD have been? And even if you know you're not in a better position, you know it's more stable, are you proud of that?

No answers needed, but just think about it. It takes many small explosions to move a 2 ton car and many steps to walk a mile. We should all be grateful to the paths we've chosen to walk, everyday, and not just the destination we're heading toward.

I've found that a lot of my views have changed. Even with my overall health in decline my sense of mortality hasn't changed. I think it would be pretty cool to be called Awesome Posthumous.




....moving on.

New start to the same old guy

Holy crap, I didn't know it was that long since I last posted here. I don't expect to be followed or reviewed like I used to especially since I'm not in the same social circles anymore.

Things have changed. Most for the better, some for the future of me.

I'm on my way to ny for the weekend and cut my hair. Posting a pic to reacquaint the world with my visage.

Fears

I sometimes feel like I'm weighted down by fears. Not all of them are my own, but because I have to be empathetic I have to understand and oblige them. I have to, even if I know that they are baseless. I have to, even if they are holding me back from projecting myself.

And now, these feels have left a stain on my life. They are the little whispers that tell me I can't when my body and mind say I can. I'm misdirecting my will towards cutting these fears down when I could be using it towards something more progressive.

Eh!
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Tune up

I don't like feeling this way. There's a dischord. Between my mind, my body and the harmony around it, its not synchronized. I feel jumbled, like a rubiks cube before you set it right. 

I can't sometimes figure how I why I am this way. It just seems to happen, and when it does, it blows. I try amazingly hard to keep everything together and I don't let outside vibes effect me negatively. But, it does happen. 

Now, to fix it

Calm down

Sometime, I find that the best way to ease my mind is to work. It gives me direction and something to focus on. A job no matter how small has steps that you have to take to do it correctly, and if you concentrate enough on them, you won't have enough time to think.

But, then I get time when I have to push everything and everyone away. I need space, I can't be around the same thing that was making me go crazy or was related to it. I need to go and walk aimlessly. Towards something, and away from that and them. There is so much pressure, I could choke!

But, I need them. Sometimes a refocus is necessary. See what you can do in the face of what you can't. You can't get to the top of the mountain without making the first step towards it. And every step you take brings you closer. That much more to what you thought you couldn't.
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Tiring out.

I was asked by one of my close friends how I'm doing. After about two seconds od consideration, I told him that I think I'm suffering through a bit of depression.

Physically, I know it shows. My eyes are sunken and swollen. I know I have been hanging my head too, someone told me that and just thought I was sick. I walk a little slower. I mean things less, and say less. I feel like I'm unraveling.

I've built myself up to a standard and it can't be maintained. Its in how I dress. Its in how I act to different people. Its in my reactions. Its in everything.

Now, I think I'm losing my grip. I can't sleep, and I can't do much beside sleep
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